First things first, a new t-shirt is here! Let everyone know that you remain guardedly optimistic about the role that intergovernmental organizations can play in creating a just society despite mounting evidence to the contrary. This X-Files / UN mashup was designed with my KGES&LG colleague Barl Cowman and it will be screen printed right here in Phoenix on off-white, crew neck LA Apparel t-shirts. I’ll happily sell them at cost to you, Dear Reader, so if you want one send $30 to @grifpeterson on Venmo along with your desired size and I’ll get a shirt to you in the next month or two.
Now onto the news. The story goes that on his deathbed somebody asked English economist John Maynard Keynes if he had any regrets in life and he responded that he wished that he had drunk more champagne, which to my mind sort of undermines his General Theory that there is no guarantee that goods produced will be met with adequate effective demand.
That said, I certainly relate to the desire to drink as much champagne as possible, but in this economy it’s hard to prioritize it as much as I wish I could. So this holiday season, I decided to turn my attention to other goods which carry that certain je ne sais quoi, the Champagnes Of _______.
Most famously, Miller debuted “The Champagne of Beer” on New Year’s Eve 1903, bottling High Life in clear glass with a slender neck and gold foil top. Bottled beer was rare at the time, so the advertisement imploring consumers to compare High Life to any other bottled beer was less a conviction of superior quality and more a recognition that there wasn’t much to compare to. Sales of High Life dipped significantly during the mid 20th century, so in the late 60s, the luxurious aura of High Life was stripped in favor of a working man’s aesthetic, leading to the “Miller Time'' ad campaign. Today, both marketing campaigns exist side by side and High Life enjoys an audience that cuts across cultural and socio-economic division in a way that is reminiscent of The Fast and Furious movie franchise but frankly not much else in our divisive society.
Miller High Life was positioned as luxury item in this 1907 advertisement. (Source: Vinepair)
Darjeeling has long been known as the champagne of tea. Like champagne, this Indian black tea is geographically designated, coming exclusively from the town of Darjeeling, nestled at 6,500 feet in the Himalayan foothills near Nepal, Bhutan, and Bangladesh. Reinforcing the comparison are its amber color and delicate aroma of muscatel and ripe fruit. One thing I’ve always liked about tea is that the best tea in the world is still only going to cost you about $3/cup. Upton Tea Imports in Massachusetts sells samples of tea from various Darjeeling estates, distinguishing between first flush (springtime harvest, delicate flavor) and second flush (autumn harvest, full-bodied).
Kefir is sometimes referred to as the champagne of dairy. Originating in the Caucasian mountains, the fermentation process yields a complex flavor profile, trace amounts of alcohol, and a bubbly effervescence. The fermentation also greatly reduces lactose, leading to a decrease in tummy aches for those who suffer from such maladies. Kumis, the fermented mare’s milk drink common in Central Asia, is basically turbo-charged kefir: the higher sugar content found in mare’s milk leads to a stronger fermentation, i.e. more bubbles and alcohol. Stirring the beverage a few times during the fermentation process is thought to help integrate everything: traditionally, the fermentation of kumis takes place in horse-hide containers, which are either tied to a saddle and jostled around in the course of a day’s riding, or hung above the entry to a yurt to be slapped by all who enter and exit.
A final “Champagne Of” that seems to be fairly canonical is Allen's Coffee Brandy, which is known as the Champagne of Maine: allegedly one in every seven bottles of alcohol sold in Maine is a handle of Allen’s. If you mix it with whole milk it’s called Fat Ass in a Glass, with oat milk it’s a Corker, and with Moxie soda it’s a Rusty Car. Allen’s also contributes to the flora of Maine, as colorfully outlined here:
Close your eyes and picture in your mind early spring in upstate Maine, just outside of Aroostook County. The trees are still bare, and snow still covers much of the ground. But little by little, pockets of ice have thawed away to reveal the state’s infamous Lilies of the Tundra poking through, rising up toward the sun. But these lilies aren’t flowers. These are instead empty bottles of Allen’s Coffee Flavored Brandy that were tossed across the state during the winter months, maybe during fishing trips or snowshoeing expeditions. After hibernating for a few months beneath the snowpack, the lilies are in bloom.
My advice is to not scoff at Allen’s until you’ve passed a bottle around a campfire in October in Baxter State Park beneath the shadow of the mountain of the people of Maine. (Source: Vinepair)
I’ll draw a line here because the aforementioned Champagne Ofs are somewhat well known and largely uncontroversial. Canada Dry billed themselves the champagne of ginger ale for a while, and there are of course a number of self-appointed marketing slogans that lack the history or consensus to be taken seriously, e.g. Jun Tea claims to make the champagne of kombucha and a bottled water startup in Beverly Hills claims to make the champagne of water.
I Googled around on this theme for a while, searching for the champagne of as many things as I could think of. Various internet users have laid claim that Newports, Marlboro Reds, and Sobranie Black Russians are each the champagne of cigarettes. Many people think that Cristal is the champagne of champagne, though some say it’s Dom Perignon, and many people agree that chanterelles are the champagne of mushrooms, though some say it’s maitake. Pecorino-Romano is definitely the champagne of cheese, unless of course it's Fromage Blanc, and Belgian linen is the champagne of fabrics, unless it's Harris Tweed. Lobster, caviar, or oysters are the champagne of seafood.
Some of my searches would only yield a handful of results. Two internet users think that white asparagus is the champagne of vegetables, two others claim it's artichokes and one person says it’s San Marzano tomatoes. Similarly, two people say Mardi Gras is the champagne of holidays, two people say it’s New Years Eve, and one person says it’s Halloween. Magnum PI or Better Call Saul is the champagne of television. Proposals for the champagne of cars include the 1979 Rolls Royce Silver Shadow 2, 2008 Subaru Outback, Tesla Model S, and Bobby Allison's #12 Miller Buick Regal, which to me seems like obvious winner:
(Source: MATLiveries via Twitter)
Finally, we get to the searches that yielded a single result. Until somebody suggests otherwise, these are canonical facts on the English-language internet:
Ducks are the champagne of birds.
Kohler’s Royal Flush XP is the champagne of toilets.
Teak is the champagne of hardwood countertops.
Marshall 4x12” cabs are the champagne of guitar amps.
Denmark is the champagne of countries.
1961 Massey Ferguson MF 35 X is the champagne of tractors (I can’t find the link anymore but looking at the tractor I totally get it).
The Pacific Northwest Roll at Tojo’s in Vancouver is the champagne of sushi.
The London North Eastern Railway is the champagne of trains.
French Toast Crunch is the champagne of cereal.
Semicolons are the champagne of punctuation.
So what Champagne Ofs are missing? Go ahead and post something on the internet, anywhere really, and create some new facts. If it helps, I can tell you that nobody has said anything about the champagne of dog breeds, internet browsers, hospitals, marsupials, stereos, weathermen, sofas, pizza ovens, design thinking activities, binoculars, pick-up lines, Myers-Briggs personality types, power washers, time zones, doors, blogging platforms, umbrellas, Olympic sports, former Olympic sports, proposed Olympic sports, numbers, canned tuna, tic-tac-toe strategies, universities, gas station coffee, 90s boy bands, James Bond actors, Nintendo 64 games, team sports, gender identities, or Zodiac signs.
Cheers, and thanks for reading,
– Grif